Star Trek is an endearing universe full of wonder and imagination. But, there are some things everyone needs to take into account should they find themselves aboard the starship Enterprise.
1. Unless you’re the chief engineer or the captain, wearing a red shirt is a bad omen. In fact, in might be best not to crawl out of bed in the first place. Generally wearing a red shirt is like forfeiting your life. If you want to live, wear a different color, unless your name is Scotty, or you’re female. Then you’re safe. I think.
2. Death happens in nearly every episode on some level. Dr. McCoy, AKA Bones, likes to announce a person’s lack of life by proudly exclaiming “He’s dead Jim!” You would think he’d get used to it.
3. Womanizing seems to be a captain’s privilege. Despite there being plenty of other men, Kirk will invariably get the girl. Providing they’re not part of his crew. He doesn’t seem to chase after them. Much. Though exceptions have been made.
4. No emotions mean a lack of interest in something. Spock would like everyone to believe he’s incapable of any and all emotions. His curiosity frequently gives him away, however. With phrases like “fascinating”, and “curious”. Poor suppressed guy.
5. Engineers are miracle workers. Chief engineer Montgomery Scott is often heard telling Captain Kirk, “It can’t be done”. He then goes on to prove himself wrong. Impossibilities are only mildly inconvenient.
6. Life is surprisingly diverse. The ship and crew of the Enterprise are always running into strange beings. Some pleasant. Some not so much. Best not to judge at first glance.
7. Men die more than women. Death visits in nearly every episode. For some reason, the women are largely exempt from that fate. Even if they’re wearing a red shirt.
8. The command crew should always go on scouting missions. Thereby leaving the ship in less capable hands. Besides, the action is wherever the command crew is.
9. Everything is made in Russia. I know this to be true because helmsman Pavel Chekov says so. Although Spock tends to correct him…
10. A captain shirts is made of poor quality. Captain James T. Kirk frequently has his shirt torn to rags or otherwise removed from his person. This wouldn’t happen if the craftsmanship was of better quality.
11. Not everyone is interested in sex. Despite constant exposure to members of the opposite sex, Spock almost never gets the girl (or boy). His suppressed sexual drive is only allowed to come out and play once in a while. That’s OK, Kirk more than makes up for it.
12. Peace is relative. Kirk is known to say “we come in peace”. He’s also known to say “shoot to kill”. Sometimes in the same episode.
13. The universe prefers a certain form. Nearly all aliens look alarmingly similar to humans. I guess our shape is awesome.
